


A Hundred And Twelve Things

by jb_slasher



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-06
Updated: 2003-12-06
Packaged: 2017-10-25 18:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/273418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jb_slasher/pseuds/jb_slasher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hashey has too much time to think. (set after "The Breaking Point")</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hundred And Twelve Things

_What you left behind  
is more mellow than wine_

Hashey remembers Miller. He doesn't know if Garcia even remembers they were friends with a guy named Miller anymore. Hashey wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. Few of these guys remember a replacement that got killed in Holland almost four months ago. Bull, being their squad leader then, might. But the other guys.. nah.

Miller never crossed the point of not being just another replacement – he never had to feel the weight of sleepless nights on his shoulders; or the hunger in his stomach, forcing him to run bent over. Miller didn't know anything about that because he got hit in Holland – a day after their first jump into war, Miller was dead.

Hashey survived all the way through Holland. He still considers it a miracle. He'd never been strong before; Miller had been the strong one. Now, Hashey has been through Holland and Bastogne. He knows about the weight, and he knows about the hunger. He knows about the lack of ammunition and the cold that gets to your feet if you sleep the whole night through without moving.

Hashey remembers the first body he ever saw was Miller. He knows about the burden of having seen men getting hit, men he's known since England - like Bill Guarnere who lost his leg in the Ardennes Forest. He's seen men getting sent back from the frontline because of what's happened to their friends – like Compton, after Toye and Guarnere got hit. Heffron and Malarkey struggling with their emotions as well, but still staying in the frontline.

Hashey doesn't leave the frontline until he gets hit in the shoulder. In a way, he's glad Miller died, because the hospital isn't a pretty place. The atmosphere is so full of death and pain that he thinks he might die just because of it.

The first thing Hashey notices in the hospital is how good his memory of Miller is. He remembers the rich brown hair, the night before their first jump. He remembers the soft, pale skin under his touch. He remembers the weakness he felt the second he saw Miller's body in the ditch, the still eyes, the contrast of blood against pale skin. He never fired a shot during the course of that day. He couldn't have saved Miller, he knows that. No one could have saved Miller, he knows that too. Still he goes through the events of that day – every day he spends in the hospital, every moment he's awake and alone with his thoughts, he thinks about if his gun hadn't jammed, would it have made a difference? Could he have saved Miller if his gun just hadn't jammed? – and every time he ends up with the same truth in his mind; Miller's still dead because he can't change the past.

Every day Hashey spends in that hospital, he feels the same weakness he felt in Holland, and he hates that hospital and that weakness because he can't get rid of the memory of that day. He misses Miller so goddamn much; those brown eyes, those soft lips, that voice that used to soothe Hashey. Now there's no one to soothe him with their friendly eyes or their smooth, silent voices whispering "I love you" in his ear. He doesn't even miss those three words - even if Miller said them maybe a thousand times with a thousand different tones of his voice - as much as he misses Miller's lips on his own; he'll never feel anything so soft ever again.


End file.
